“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
You Might Also Like
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
The fall of Netflix
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
There’s never enough good news
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal