My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.