*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.