Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
You Might Also Like
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?