“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.