Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item