Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*