Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him