debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.