Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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My teenage children choosing violence
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.