*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.