my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My what?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
United Steaks of America
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.