[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
ok hear me out: Luigiana