Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.