me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Free him
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.