*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both