What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.