chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I don鈥檛 have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister鈥檚 math worksheet and now we鈥檙e waiting to see if she passes algebra.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn鈥檛 left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must鈥檝e been sleep wokking again.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I鈥檓 giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he鈥檚 not doing anything about it so I guess I鈥檓 going to have to deal with it because he鈥檚 my kid too or whatever.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.