Pikachu found the lost joint
You Might Also Like
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Breaking news:
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Basically.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
This is me
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was