[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.