*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Every. Damn. Time.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.