[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don鈥檛 believe in vaccines?
Friend: I鈥檓 visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn鈥檛 do jail
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I鈥檓 such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I鈥檓 the kind of girl who won鈥檛 stop until you鈥檙e screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword鈥檚 the first 16 digits of your credit card.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again馃槶
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where鈥檚 the sauna?