[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
found my next D&D character name
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through