I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
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Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
#catsoftwitter
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.