Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…