Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Planet of the Apps.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits