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Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10