“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
What my back needs
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.