A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.