I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Oops