got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.