The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
And that about sums it up.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…