Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?