*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Saturday
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.