I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.