UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.