No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
then why did i get this email
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.