Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only