Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Bootstraps
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that