You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Aw man, but that’s the best part
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?