If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Jogging
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
that lip filler tho
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Just a friendly reminder!
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies