Go girl power!
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I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I am HOWLING at this
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store