this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*