18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Krampus.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok