Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
What
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.