I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*limbos under the caution tape
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
If you know, you know
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless