I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I hope Alan is OK
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.