I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
oh you wanna fight?!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Posting this on behalf of a friend
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅