Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?