Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
#JohnTravolta
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
bought wrong eggs
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
don’t we all